I started using the term "beauty self-esteem" after a journalist asked me to describe the psychological difference between attractiveness and beauty.
当一个记者问到我如何去区分吸引力和美之间的心理差异的时候，我谈到了“自信美”这样一个概念。
She asked, "Why do some people feel attractive even if they don"t have model-like features, whereas as others -- like some fashion models, onscreen actors and others known for their beauty — don"t necessarily feel that way?" I told the journalist physical features are only a part of what makes a person attractive, and her question was more about a person"s "beauty self-esteem."
她问我：“为什么有些人虽然没有模特的身材，却照样魅力无限，而其他一类人-譬如说一些时装模特，电视屏幕里的演员以及其他一些以美貌闻名的人-却不一定能带给人这样的感觉？”我告诉那位记者，身体特征仅是一个人变得更加迷人的外显，而她的问题更多的是关乎一个人的“自信美”。
You, too, might find this term useful in thinking about how you feel about your appearance. You see, attractiveness is more complicated than meets the eye, an issue I have written about in previous posts here. It is helpful to remember that beauty is both a physical and psychological experience. It is based on three qualities:
你可能也觉察到在思考如何看待自己外貌的问题上，自信美的能量是无穷的。你会发现，吸引力不单单是你眼前所看到的那么简单，吸引力这个话题在我先前所写的帖子中也有涉及。谨记：美是生理和心理的双重体验。美源于三个特质：
1) How we actually look (genetics)
我们天生的长相（遗传学角度）
2) How we take care of ourselves (health and grooming)
我们是如何爱惜自身的（健康和仪表仪容）
3) How we feel about how we look (positive self-regard)
我们是如何看待自己的长相的（自我关怀）
The combination of these qualities is what I call "beauty self-esteem." Having one of them (good genes, for example) without the others (good grooming or positive self-regard) can lead to an inability to feel attractive regardless of how one appears to others.
三个特质相结合就是我所说的“自信美”，任何一个特质的缺失（比如：有好的遗传基因，好的仪表，没有强烈的自我关怀）都会让我们感受不到魅力所在，不管一个人在他人眼里是什么样的感觉。
This post is about ways to enhance "beauty self-esteem" using cognitive behavioral techniques. Keep in mind that I am not a beauty expert in the traditional sense — that is, I am not a style or fashion authority — and these are not beauty secrets that promise to change your life. I, like many of you, am tired of hearing those "how-to" tips in commercials, magazines, reality shows, books and blogs — have you Googled "beauty" lately? We have become so accustomed to being told what we need to fix that we forget that the whole notion of fixing actually detracts from feeling attractive.
本文所讲的是如何利用认知行为疗法来提高“自信美”。请记住，从传统意义上来说，我并不是一个美学专家-也就是说，我并不是造型和时尚领域的权威人士-并不是说你学会了文中所讲的“美丽秘诀”，你就能改变你的生活，我和你们中的很多人一样，我对广告，杂志，真人秀节目，书籍乃至博客中出现的“攻略”十分反感-你最近有在用Google搜索“美”的信息吗？实际上，我们已经习惯于从别人的方法中去寻找变美的答案，殊不知所有别人教给你变美的方法最终并没有使你的吸引力倍增。
Instead, as a psychologist, I believe feeling better about ourselves requires internal work, and that applies to our looks, as well. I help people identify their thoughts and feelings about their self-image and find realistic ways to improve upon them. To achieve that goal, we need to understand the cognitive-behavioral patterns we have about beauty, learn how to alter them and then use new ones to support our beauty self-esteem.
相反，作为一个心理学家，我相信自我良好感觉的增强是内心修炼得来的，同样，内在的气质也可以弥补长相之不完美。我会帮助人们确定其对于内心自我形象的想法和感受，并通过合理的方式提高自我认知。为了实现这一目标，我们需要了解美的认知行为模式，学会如何做出改变，然后去挖掘自信美的新内涵。
Below are three cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques applied to the experience of attractiveness, starting with common beliefs people have about beauty, followed by a behavioral technique that can be practiced to achieve change and ending with a cognitive shift that improves beauty self-esteem.
下文列举的是提升吸引力的三个认知行为疗法练习，我们从人们对美的普遍认识说起，然后通过一些行为疗法的实践来促成改变，最后实现认知转变，从而帮助我们提升自信美。
Exercise One
练习一
Cognitive Belief: People tend to believe that beauty is based on a reality created by others. The truth is that you can learn to define your self-image based on your own criteria rather than the reality created by your culture.
认知信念：人们倾向于别人眼中对自我美的评价。事实上你可以学会通过设定自我标准来对内心的自我形象进行完善，而不是仅仅依赖现实的评判。
Behavior Pattern: Write down three physical features and three aspects of your personality that you like most. If you have a hard time coming up with any, try thinking of the features you are least critical of. For example, it could be, "I work hard, I like my eyes, I am honest, I am a loyal friend, I"m a good athlete and I have thick hair." Now put your list in order of importance and elaborate by writing one sentence about each aspect on your list.
行为模式：写下你认为你最喜欢的三个身体和性格特质。如果你大脑空白，那么试着写下至少你没那么厌恶的三个特质。比如说，“我工作很努力，我喜欢我的眼睛，我很诚实，我是一个忠实的朋友，我是一个优秀的运动员，我的头发很浓密。”现在将你所列的清单按重要性进行排序，并用一句话对每一个特质进行描述。
Expected Change: If you are like most men and women who have made this list, you will likely see the physical features you wrote were ranked lower than ones about your personality. Although it may seem obvious, this exercise places physical beauty in perspective. It helps remind us that the core of our self-esteem is based on personality characteristics more often than our physical features -- even if our culture has us thinking otherwise. Physical beauty is just one aspect of our identity. Attractiveness is about much more.
预期改变：如果你像大多数人一样列出这样一份清单，你可能会发现你所写的身体特质远没有性格特质来得重要。虽然这种现象是显而易见的，但是这个练习同样对外在美做出了肯定。它告诉我们相比于身体特质，个人性格特征对于自信美的塑造更为关键-某种文化可能会蛊惑我们走入外在美更为重要的误区。外在美只不过是我们的表征，吸引力才是我们的催化剂。
Exercise Two
练习二
Cognitive Belief: Looks matter to most people, but many confuse attractiveness with perfection. Although no one truly looks perfect all the time in every way, it is a belief supported by our media-driven culture. We all have bad hair days, blemishes, bloating, etc., but airbrushing and Photoshop can magically make them disappear. You can learn to hold on to your "imperfect" core self-image — the sense of yourself that remains s regardless of imperfections — by acknowledging that variability is an inherent aspect of true attractiveness.
认知信念：大多数人都很注重外表，但是有很多人却将吸引力和完美混为一谈。虽然世界上没有绝对完美的个体，但是大众文化理念-要做一个完美的人已经在我们的脑海里根深蒂固。可能我们的发型很糟糕，很邋遢等，但是PS技术中的喷枪，美化等功能可以让我们焕然一新。学会接受心中那个不完美的自我形象，以平和的心态处之，要知道真正的魅力来源于内心的改变。
Behavior Pattern: This exercise focuses on your physical features. Write down three that you believe are most appealing to you. Again, if you find this difficult, chose the three features you find least unappealing or ones that others tell you are appealing to them. For example you might chose your curly hair, green eyes and white teeth. Describe each feature in a sentence, like, "My white teeth are attractive, especially when I smile." Use these to begin to identify the core of your beauty self-esteem.
行为模式：这个练习主要针对身体特质。写下你认为最吸引你的三个身体特质。如果你大脑空白，那么试着写下至少你没那么厌恶或对其他人来说具有吸引力的身体特质。比如说，你可以选择写下你卷曲的秀发，绿色的眼睛以及白色的牙齿。用一句话描绘每一个特征，如，“我洁白的牙齿很吸引人，特别是当我微笑的时候。”通过这个练习来挖掘自信美的真正内核。
Expected Change: Remember, no one has perfect features, but everyone has at least a couple of attractive ones. These can contribute to the core of your self-image. You can learn to use them for confidence and to improve your beauty self-esteem. If you have curly hair, bring attention to it by wearing cool hats. If you have nice eyes, wear clothes/makeup that bring out the color. Healthy teeth? Keep taking care of them and use your smile to feel good about your looks. If you alter the equation between perfection and beauty to a more realistic definition, the chances are you will be able to enhance your beauty self-esteem.
预期改变：切记，没有人是十全十美的，但是每个人身上都会有吸引他人的地方。这些闪光点有助于形成自我形象的独特性，学会利用这些特质让自己变得更加自信，从而提升自信美。如果你有卷曲的秀发，你可以搭配一个酷酷的帽子来吸引大家的目光。如果你有双水汪汪的眼睛，你可以画一个美美的妆，或搭配一件合适的衣服让你看起来光彩夺目。那健康的牙齿呢？好好保护牙齿，保持微笑，让你的外表更加迷人。如果你能在完美和美丽之间寻找到平衡，加深对两者的理解，那么你将会获得更多的机会，从而提升你的自信美。
Exercise Three
练习三
Cognitive Belief: We are our own worst critics. Few people find as many faults with their appearance as we do. We can change the way we talk to ourselves by replacing negative thoughts and inaccurate "internal dialogues" with more positive, realistic ones.
认知信念：我们充当着自己最糟糕的批评家。再没有更多人会比我们更挑剔我们的外表。我们可以改变自我对话的方式，试着多使用积极的想法，发挥自我的正能量，实现心与心的交流。
Behavior Pattern: Look at yourself in the mirror and then listen to the words that come into your head. Ask yourself: Is the tone critical? Do the words remind you of anyone or sound similar to those your mom once said? Your dad? Siblings? Schoolmates? Then question the validity of these words. Are they really accurate? For example, do thick eyebrows truly make you look unattractive? Do the extra five pounds you carry mean you are fat? Now rewrite these dialogues as if you were talking to your friend, sister or daughter. If a friend asked you how she looked, what tone would you use? Look in the mirror and use that tone in an internal dialogue you have with yourself.
行为模式：看着镜子中的自己，然后听从大脑的思考。问问自己：这个想法重要吗？你脑子里所想的是不是会让你有种熟悉的感觉，会不会让你回忆起某个人或是你的母亲，你的父亲，你的兄妹，你的同学曾对你说过同样的话？然后再追问自己这些话语是否有利。他们说的都是真理吗？比方说，浓密的眉毛真的不够吸引人吗？你的体重增加了5磅就证明你很胖了吗？假设你正在和你的朋友，姐妹或女儿交谈，重新写下谈话的内容。如果一个朋友问你她长得怎么样，你会使用什么样的话语作出回应？看着镜子，然后写下发自内心的想法。
Expected Change: We can shift the way we see ourselves by practicing consistent, supportive internal dialogues. Instead of being critical and "fixing" ourselves, we can try to look the best we can and accept who we are. Use your own kinder, internal mirror as a constant source of beauty self-esteem and you will look and feel more attractive.
预期改变：我们可以通过不断地和自己的内心进行对话来改变对自我的认知，而不是处于自我批评和顽固不化的状态，我们可以试着找到最佳的自己并接受自我，保持你内心的善意，擦亮心中的镜子，这将是你自信美的源泉，最终你会发现你变得更加迷人。
These are just some of the incorrect notions about beauty that have become hardwired into our thinking, but that can change by applying the cognitive behavior techniques. The result is a shift in our internal lens that builds — rather than fixes — long-term self-confidence and beauty self-esteem. We all deserve to feel positive regard toward ourselves, and we clearly can"t rely on our culture to make that happen. CBT has been shown to help people change attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Why not apply this technique to change our approach to beauty?
诸多与美相关的错误的观念已经在我们的思想里留下了烙印，但是我们仍旧可以通过认知行为技术加以改变。认知行为练习所带来的是内心自我的重塑-而不是固化-有利于建立长久的自信和提升自信美。我们都应该以积极的态度对待自我，并且我们不能仅停留在大众文化对自我的评判上。认知行为技术确实能够帮助人们改变态度，信念以及行为。为什么不利用这种疗法来颠覆我们对美的认识呢？
Let me know how these three CBT techniques work for you. And if you have additional thought patterns that keep you from feeling good about your looks, let me know -- I can suggest exercises that may help change them, turning negative to positive and feeling unattractive to feeling beautiful.
你可以告诉我认知行为疗法对你是否有效。且如果你在自我对外表认知的问题上有更好的想法或思维模式，你也可以告诉我-我可以建议你做一些练习，让你告别消极情绪，瞬间提升魅力指数。
