美国幽默作家Garrison Keillor语录
武夷山辑译
Garrison Keillor（加里森.凯勒）是美国幽默作家和演员，生于1942年。下面我辑译一些他的语录。
Beauty isn"t worth thinking about; what"s important is your mind. You don"t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.
漂亮不值得多虑，要紧的是你的头脑。你总不愿意花50美元给一个只值50美分的脑袋理发吧。
God writes a lot of comedy...the trouble is, he"s stuck with so many bad actors who don"t know how to play funny.
上帝写了很多喜剧......糟糕的是，他遇到的总是不知道如何搞笑的差劲演员。
The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, "Daddy, I need to ask you something," he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.
女孩的父亲简直就是高档的人质。父亲可以对儿子们板起脸，骂他们，摇头晃脑，用手爪子触地（博主：这里如何翻译为好？愿求教于高明），嗤之以鼻，把他们赶到灌木丛里去，可是当女儿把胳膊搭在父亲的肩上并开言道“老爸，我想求您点事儿”的时候，他就好比是热锅上的一块奶油。
It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn"t hear the barbarians coming.
空调之类的奢侈品导致罗马帝国的衰亡。有了空调，他们就关上了窗子，于是听不见野蛮人的进逼。
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I"m going to miss mine by just a few days.
他们在葬礼上把逝者说得那么好，我就觉得听不到别人在葬礼上夸我是多么伤心啊，其实也差不了几天。
It (The New York Times) reads like it was edited by two elderly sociologists, one of whom has been dead for many years.
阅读《纽约时报》，感觉报纸像是两位年长的社会学家编的，而且其中一位已经去世多年。
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
宠物猫的存在是要让我们明白，自然界不是每样东西都有用途。
A book is a gift you can open again and again.
图书就是可以一遍又一遍打开的礼品。
Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.
伏特加喝下去的时候寡淡无味，吐出来的时候则永生难忘。
The funniest line in English is Get it? When you say that, everyone chortles.
英语中最逗的一句话是“Get it”（get到我这个梗了吗？），你一说这话，大家都哈哈大笑。
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
为孩子所做的一切都不会白费。他们好像根本不在意我们，云山雾罩的，躲避我们的目光，很少表示感谢，但是我们为他们做的事从来不会白费。
It"s a shallow life that doesn"t give a person a few scars.
如果人生不给我们留下几条伤疤，那也太凡庸了吧。
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, "You can"t say that."
我觉得，你所能说的最不具备美国特征的一句话便是，“你不能这么讲”。
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it"s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
圣诞节有一点可爱之处：它是无法摆脱的，像雷暴雨一样，我们大家得一起度过这一阵子。
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
一份好报纸再好也好不到哪里去，而一份糟糕的报纸能让你永远乐不可支。
Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don"t put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.
选择性的视而不见乃是育儿的精髓。不要监控孩子：那会吓死你的。家长应该高高地坐在马鞍上，用一副高贵的、慈祥的、极其近视的目光俯视自己的队伍。
相关阅读
http://blog.sciencenet.cn/blog-1557-33477.html
