One Thing That Will Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship
The behavior that can make or break your connection.
Source: psychology today by: Steven Stosny, Ph.D
Website:https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201212/one-thing-will-ruin-perfectly-good-relationship
As Oscar Wilde put it, “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” It tells you more about the psychology of the criticizer than the people he or she criticizes. Astute professionals can formulate a viable diagnostic hypothesis just from hearing someone criticize.
正如Oscar Wilde所说：“批评是自传的唯一可靠形式。”比起他/她所批评的人，批评能让你了解更多有关批评者的心理。精明的专业人士能够从别人的批评中提出一个可行的诊断假说。
Criticism is the first of John Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy. In my clinical experience it is the most apocryphal, as the other three tend to followfrom it—stonewalling, defensive, and contemptuous partners almost invariably feel criticized.
批评位于John Gottman著名的天启四骑士之首，它预测离婚的精准率达到90%之多。然而以我的临床经验来看，这是令人质疑的，因为位于批评之后的三骑士——拖延、防守、轻蔑，这三者几乎无一例外会感受到批评。
Criticism is destructive to relationships when it is:
当发生在如下情况下时，批评会摧毁人际关系：
· About personality or character, rather than behavior
· Filled with blame
· Not focused on improvement
· Based on only one “right way” to do things
· Belittling.
· 批判对方的个性或性格，而不是行为
· 不断责备对方
· 没有专注于对方的进步
· 做事儿只有一个准则
· 轻视对方
Criticism in close relationships starts out, in most cases, on a low key and escalates over time, forming a downward spiral with increasing resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense being controlled, and so on.
大多数情况下，亲朋好友之间的批评源于一件小小的事儿，随着时间的推移，不断升级，最终形成一个恶性循环。批评的人会觉得自己有理，而被批评的人会非常不爽，然后他/她会反击回去，让对方觉得自己才是占理的一方，然后不断循环……
At no time in this downward spiral does an obvious fact occur to critical people: Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any short-term gain you might get from it just builds resentment down the line.
显然，恶性循环下，批评双方不会意识到这个明显的事实：批评对改变对方行为并没有什么卵用，短期内你们只会增加双方的怨恨。
Criticism fails because it embodies two of the things that human beings hate the most:
批评之所以无法改善人际关系，是因为它包含了两项人类最讨厌的东西：
· It calls for submission, and we hate to submit.
· It devalues, and we hate to feel devalued.
· 批评需要对方顺从，而我们讨厌顺从。
· 批评会贬低我们，而我们讨厌被看扁。
While people hate to submit, we like to cooperate. Critical people seem oblivious to a key point about human nature: The valued self cooperates; the devalued self resists. If you want behavior change, show value for the person whose behavior you want to change. If you want resistance, criticize.
我们讨厌服从，但是我们喜欢合作。批评的人似乎忽视了人性的一个关键点：尊重赢得合作；贬低带来反抗。如果你想要改变对方的行为，你首先要尊重你想要改变的人。当然如果你想被反抗，那你就批评他/她吧。
Critical people are certainly smart enough to figure out that criticism doesn’t work. So why do they keep doing it in the face of mounting frustration?
批评的人当然不会傻到看不出批评并不奏效，那么，面对不断增加的挫折，他们为什么还是要不断地批评别人呢？
They keep doing it because criticism is an easy form of ego defense. We don’t criticize because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feeldevalued by the behavior or attitude. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego defense.
他们这么做是因为批评是一种简单的自我防御形式。我们并不是因为看不惯对方的行为举止而批评对方，而是因为对方的行为举止让我们觉得被轻视了。喜欢批评的人自尊心极强，尤其需要自我防御。
Critical people were often criticized in early childhood by caretakers, siblings, or peers. Criticism can be especially painful for young children. They cannot distinguish criticism of their behavior from rejection, no matter how much we try to make the distinction for them, as in the well-intentioned, “You’re a good boy, but this behavior is bad.” Such a distinction requires a higher prefrontal cortex operation, which is beyond most young children. To a child under seven, anything more than occasional criticism, even if soft-pedaled, means they’re bad and unworthy.
喜欢批评的人通常在他们儿童早期时经常被家长、兄弟姐妹或者小伙伴批评。对于小孩子来说，批评尤为残忍。因为他们无法区分批评和排斥，无论我们多么努力地向他们区分两者，即使你是善意的说：“你是个好孩子，但是这种行为是不对的。”这种区分需要更高的前额皮质运作，而这超出了绝大多数小孩子的能力范围。对于一个不满七岁的小孩来说，任何批评，即使你是轻描淡写地说的，他们都会理解成自己很糟糕，自己一无是处。
A Shadow of Life or Death
生或死的阴影
The only thing young children can do to survive is attach emotionally to people who will take care of them. Feeling unworthy of attachment, as criticized young children are apt to feel, seems a bit like life or death. So they try to control the great pain of criticism by turning it intoself-criticism—since self-inflicted pain is better than unpredic rejection by loved ones.
为了生存，小孩子能做的唯一一件事儿就是依赖照顾他/她的人。如果你批评他/她，他/她会觉得自己不被重视，对于她们来说，这有点像生与死的问题。因此他们会试图把批评转化为自我批评来转移痛苦——因为自我批评的痛苦要远远比被所爱的人排斥来得轻。
By early adolescence, they begin to "identify with the aggressor"—emulating the more powerful criticizer. By late adolescence, self-criticism expands to criticism of others. By young adulthood, it seems to be entirely criticism of others. But most critical people remain primarily self-critical; I have never treated one who was not. As hard as they are on others, most are at least equally hard on themselves.
在青春期早期，他们开始“支持侵略者”——模仿更强的批评者。到青春期晚期，自我批评会扩展到批评别人。而到成年早期时，会转换成完全地批评别人。但是绝大多数的批评者依旧会自我批评，至少我从来没有遇到过不自我批评的批评者。通常，他们批评别人和自我批评的程度一样。
How to Tell if You’re Critical
如何判断你是否爱批评别人
You’re likely to be the last to know whether you’re a critical person. As the joke goes, “I give feedback; you’re critical. I’m firm; you’re stubborn. I’m flexible; you’re wishy-washy. I’m in touch with my feelings; you’re hysterical!”
你可能最后才知道自己是否是一个爱批评的人。正如笑话所说的这样：“我反馈，你批评。我刚毅果决，你固执己见。我灵活多变，你优柔寡断。我跟随我心，你歇斯底里。”
If someone tells you you’re critical, you probably are. But there’s even a better way to tell: Think of what you automatically say to yourself if you drop something or make a mistake. Critical people will typically think, “Oh you idiot,” or, “Jerk,” or just curse or sigh in disgust. If you do that to yourself, you most likely do it to others as well.
如果有人告诉你你很挑剔，你可能就是这样的人。但是有种更好的方式来判断：如果你摔坏了东西或者犯了错误，想想你会不由自主地对自己说什么。爱批评的人通常会想：“噢，你个白痴”或者“混蛋”，或者只是诅咒一番、厌恶叹叹气。如果你这样对自己，你也很有可能这样对别人。
Criticism vs. Feedback
Critical people often delude themselves into thinking that they merely give helpful feedback. The following are ways to tell the two apart.
爱批评的人通常会自欺欺人地认为，他们只是提供一些有用的反馈。下面这些方法可以有效地将两者区分开来：
· Criticism focuses on what’s wrong. (“Why can’t you pay attention to the bills?”)
· Feedback focuses on how to improve. ("Let’s go over the bills together.")
· Criticism implies the worst about the other’s personality. (“You’re stubborn and lazy.”)
· Feedback is about behavior, not personality. (“Can we start by sorting the bills according to due date?”)
· 批评是针对对方的错误。（“你为什么不好好看下账单？”）
· 反馈是针对如何提升。（“让我们一起核对下账单。”）
· 批评暗示着对方这个人糟糕透了。（“你真是又固执又懒惰。”）
· 反馈针对行为，而不是对方的人格。“要不我们先根据日期给账单分分类？”
· Criticism devalues. (“I guess you’re just not smart enough to do this.”)
· Feedback encourages. ("I know you have a lot on your plate, but I’m pretty sure we can do this together.")
· Criticism implies blame. (“It’s your fault we’re in this financial mess.”)
· Feedback focuses on the future. (“We can get out of this mess if we both give up a few things. What do you think?”)
· 批评是贬低对方。（“我想你没有能力做这件事儿”）
· 反馈是鼓励对方。（“我知道你很有能力，但是我想我们可以一起做这件事儿”）
· 批评暗含责备。（“账务一团糟，这全是你的错”）
· 反馈集中未来。（“如果我们加把劲，我们肯定能解决账务问题的。你觉得呢？”）
· Criticism attempts to control. (“I know what’s best; I’m smarter and more educated.")
· Feedback respects autonomy. (“I respect your right to make that choice, even though I don’t agree with it.”)
· Criticism is coercive. (“You’re going to do what I want, or else I won’t connect with you or will punish you in some way.”)
· Feedback is not at all coercive. (“I know we can find a solution that works for both of us.”)
· 批评是要获得绝对的掌控权。（“我知道什么才是最好的；我更聪明，我学识更渊博。”）
· 反馈尊重自主权。（“我尊重你选择的权利，即使我不赞成你的选择。”）
· 批评是强制高压。（“你要按我说的去做，否则的话我不会联系你了，或者我会惩罚你。”）
· 反馈无关于强制。（“我想肯定有两全其美的办法。”）
Warning About Feedback
反馈警告
If you’re angry or resentful, any “feedback” you give will be heard as criticism, no matter how you put it. That’s because people respond to emotional tone, not intention. It’s best to regulate the anger or resentment before you try to give feedback.
如果你是带着愤怒的情绪提出反馈的话，对方会把它当成批评，不管你是如何反馈的。那是因为人们往往会对情绪做出反应，而不是意图。所以在你试图反馈前，你最好先调节好自己的情绪。
To give feedback from your core value:
根据核心价值给出反馈：
· Focus on how to improve.
· Focus on the behavior you would like to see, not on the personality of your partner or child.
· Encourage change, instead of undermining confidence.
· Sincerely offer help.
· Respect his/her autonomy.
· Resist the urge to punish or withdraw affection if he/she doesn’t do what you want.
· 集中如何提升对方
· 针对你想要看到的行为，而不是对方的性格
· 鼓励对方改变自己，而不是打击对方的自信。
· 真诚地提供帮助
· 尊重对方的自主权
· 如果对方没有按你所说的去做，不要急着去惩罚。
If you’re a critical person, you must get a handle on your impulse to criticize before it ruins your relationship.
